


do mi ti

by briennefeelings



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hate Sex, Jaime is dead, Post Season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-11-22 17:07:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20877713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briennefeelings/pseuds/briennefeelings
Summary: he isn't here, but his other half is, and half is better than nothing. half is better than being dead, and when brienne allows herself to be fucked by his twin she's almost convinced she can put her grief on hold.





	1. i know who you pretend i am

**Author's Note:**

> post-season 8, jaime is dead, and brienne and cersei only have each other. 
> 
> see end of chapter for notes!

brienne knows this is a mistake, that this is causing her nothing but pain, but knowing she isn’t the only one grieving is what allows her to do this in the first place. 

brienne is kissing cersei, and cersei is pushing her body into the wall, and both of them are fighting to keep the memory of a dead man alive. the two of them are sloppy. they knead each other’s skin until it takes the shape of him but it never does. brienne’s hips curve inwards where his did not, and cersei has his hair, his eyes, but not his heart. 

when cersei rips brienne’s tunic off with one hand, she remembers the first time. his hand shook against her skin, gently fleeting, until her bare body was held in his embrace. this is different. cersei pulls at her clothes as if trying to pull her own brother out of his grave, as if his soul was buried in the body of the last woman he ever made love to. cersei digs her teeth into the scars of brienne’s neck, lashing her tongue against her skin until it’s raw, until it’s bleeding. brienne lets her, gives cersei everything because she’s tired of dedicating her body to a ghost. 

cersei is hurting her and she allows it. if brienne keeps her eyes shut tight enough she imagines that it’s him. cersei is hurting her, but the pain of teeth and fingernails against skin only hurts half as much as the dull ache that remains after he left her. after he left both of them. 

sometimes she feels his name threatening to climb out of her throat, and every time it happens cersei bites brienne's tongue as punishment.

their kisses are always angry, always hungry, no room for comfort or warmth in between. brienne makes the kiss as deep as she can, swallowing everything. cersei tastes of blood and wine. nothing like the ash that his body was found laying in. brienne groans against cersei’s mouth as she tugs impatiently at her dress, listening to the weight of fabric dropping on the stone floor.

their bare bodies beneath the moonlight are beautiful, but still a reminder of what, of who, was missing. they drive their bodies into each other so as not to let the thought breathe any longer. they remain pressed together as cersei shoves brienne onto the bed.

before brienne recovers from the force of her fall cersei is already straddling her. cersei looks down at brienne like she's just another goblet of wine, something she needs desperately, but doesn't enjoy. it makes her feel powerful, the closest to feeling good as she'll ever get. she feels powerful, diving her hand between brienne's legs, watching her face thrash into the pillow as cersei fingerfucks her with the same recklessness that got them in this situation in the first place. cersei slides a second finger inside, and then a third, fucks her hard, fast, ruthless, relishes in the way brienne responds to it all. brienne moans loud enough that the sound of her hits the ceiling. she moans, not bothering to register if it's out of pain or pleasure. still, brienne feels the emptiness ringing through her abdomen and struggles to fight it down. 

he isn't here, but his other half is, and half is better than nothing. half is better than being dead, and when brienne allows herself to be fucked by his twin she's almost convinced she can put her grief on hold.

almost.

as if there were no tears down the side of her face. as if she could give her skin, her cries, her cunt, to cersei, and forget that at the end of it all her heart would still belong to jaime.

when she feels the threat of her orgasm brienne wants to be selfish. she wants to tilt her head back, say his name, and bring his memory down to match her high. she hooks a hand to the back of cersei's neck instead, tugging their lips together, muffling her own greediness and swallowing it down with the taste of her. brienne comes and cersei groans with her, continuing to fuck her until brienne's body is no longer rattling. 

their bodies are close together, and for awhile brienne can't tell where her body ends and cersei's begins. she closes her eyes, telling herself to embrace the quiet placed between them, but her eyes are forced open when the cold wipes over her skin. 

cersei stands without a word, and brienne tilts to watch the ghost trail her nightgown makes as she leaves her chambers. too tired to question her, too tired to beg for her, or jaime, or anyone to return, brienne keeps her eyes open. watches the dark of night replace itself with sunlight. welcomes a new day she never asked for, a new day she still doesn't know how to face.


	2. why not me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> each night shouldn’t be a mistake. brienne knows this. 
> 
> she only wishes cersei felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it to part 2, thank you so much!

brienne is caught off guard the second time it happens. 

she doesn't know how to brace herself when cersei breaks through the doors of her chambers without warning. she forgets how to lift her hands from her sides when cersei shoves her into the mattress, kissing her hard and angry. brienne's clothes are halfway removed before she realizes she's already surrendered.

they don't speak. cersei doesn't let her. the only sounds shared between them are the moans let loose from their lips. cersei rides brienne's thigh, letting her breath hang in the room for only a brief moment after she's come. 

the third time it happens brienne is already in bed. cersei rips away the sheets over brienne's body, the body she didn't want in the first place but always comes back to. cersei marks brienne's body with her teeth, claims all that she can, and brienne can't muster the power to protest.

the fourth, fifth, tenth time, it all becomes routine, muscle memory, as if the first three times were practice runs and now they've finally gotten it right. cersei tumbles into brienne's chambers, reeking of wine, and the two of them relieve themselves of the grief floating inside their chests. cersei inflicts her wrath on brienne's body and brienne takes it, all of it, until they're well spent and heaving on top of one another. 

everything is perfect until cersei leaves, and brienne is hollow all over again. 

it's when she starts to lose count that brienne loses control of herself. she catches herself becoming more tender. her kisses start out softer. her eyes try harder to meet cersei's gaze. all the while cersei is still vicious, digging her claws deep into brienne's chest each night, wanting the wounded animal but not the woman. 

cersei wants someone lesser than her when, really, she and brienne are the same. equally hurting, seeking a quick fix that no longer fixes anything. each night together pulls them into the eye of the storm and they struggle, not knowing what to do with the aftermath.

each night shouldn’t be a mistake. brienne knows this. 

she only wishes cersei felt the same.

brienne takes a deep breath before pushing the doors of cersei's chambers open. 

she finds cersei standing by the window, one hand curled around a chalice and the other, a tight fist sitting on the windowpane, knuckles pale as the moon. cersei doesn't answer when brienne whispers her name. doesn't give her any notice until brienne is next to her, placing her hand over cersei's own. 

"cersei," brienne says again, this time with urgency, enough for cersei to lift her chin upwards. brienne looks into cersei's eyes for a moment so brief that she can't see past the resentment in them. it stings her, but a part of her has already grown used to it. 

cersei tilts her head to reveal the expanse of her skin, from her face to her neck to her collarbones, as if to say _you cannot have my eyes but you may have the rest._ but brienne didn't come to devour her. she wants to hold her, bring both her hands to cup cersei's face, kiss away the salty tears that once fell atop her body. brienne tries and cersei rejects her, shakes her head and watches brienne's hands fall back to her sides. 

"if you're not here for sex then i don't need you here." cersei's words are acidic, pooling inside brienne's lungs. it's as if she can't breathe.

"is that all i am to you? a quick fuck?" 

"i have no other use for you." 

brienne's hands clutch at her sides. she wishes she could find oathkeeper there, but not even that could keep her safe. for once, brienne feels small, feels herself crushed beneath cersei's apathy. 

silence haunts the room, leaving both their bodies colder than they've ever been. cersei still doesn't look at her, not until brienne tears the silence away.

"why me?" she asks, eyes to the floor. "if you only want sex you can find someone better, perhaps someone more like him-"

"don't you dare bring jaime into this," cersei hisses. "this isn't about him." 

"if this isn't about jaime then why sleep with the last woman he slept with? why bother coming back to me, bringing your grief to my bed every night?" the words fall off brienne's tongue like rapids, crashing against the walls of cersei's heart. 

"this is only bringing you pain, cersei."

"you don't get to decide how i feel," she snaps. 

"i'm not. i just- you don't deserve to keep hurting. not after all this time." 

cersei's breaths grow heavier, protesting against the sorrow beginning to resurface. cersei still doesn't look at her, and brienne can only feel guilty about it. her finger twitches, wanting to give what little warmth she can to cersei, knowing she can't. 

"cersei," she whispers, "i don't want to worsen your grief. if you can't bear to be with me like this, let alone speak to me, i shouldn't be here anymore." cersei's eyes widen but, still, she doesn't look.

"give me your word and i'll leave you. i'll let you forget about me." _even though i don't want that to happen._

when brienne looks back up again, she sees the moonlight latch onto cersei's tears. she sees her lips quivering, trying hard, so hard, to keep her composure. 

"please," brienne says, "i need your word." 

cersei doesn't answer. she falls limp against brienne's chest instead, weak for the first time since jaime's death. cersei cries into brienne's chest and brienne takes it, all of it, until cersei pauses to find brienne's gaze amidst the dark of night. 

"stay," she whispers. and brienne does.

for the first time, brienne finds herself in a bed that isn't half empty. for the first time, brienne watches cersei sleep, sees the tension in her face replaced with calm. for the first time, brienne isn't scared to fall asleep.


	3. baby won't you kiss me already?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, when she sees cersei shrink slightly as they pass each other in the hall, she wonders if it would be easier if cersei still hated her. maybe then, she could look her in the eyes without wanting to dissect her gaze, without wanting to get inside her head, to find out how cersei feels, if she feels anything for her at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me like 10 years to update i had the most severe writers block and the fact that fluff/happy endings are not my forte didn't help WHOOPS 
> 
> after being mean to brienne and cersei for two whole chapters i hope this makes up for it!! if ur reading this thank u so much for making it all the way to the end, this is the first time i've ever written a whole fic series hehe <3 
> 
> last but not least: gay rights!

_kingslanding is sinking beneath smoke and brienne doesn’t know why she’s here. _

_her feet move without her consent. she drifts amidst rubble and ruin, not bothering to process the destruction done to the city until she finds herself in the heart of it. the red keep that once stood tall now lays beside her, bricks plunging beneath the earth. brienne’s heart dives even deeper. _

_she spots an opening between the ruins and mistakes it for hope. her feet spring off the ash on the floor and she’s walking, running, searching for a sign of life. searching for him. but everytime she tries to call out, her throat grows tighter. everytime she turns a corner it crumbles beneath her. her desperation sends her deep beneath the surface, until there’s no air left to breathe. _

_and then, all at once, brienne is still. she feels a beam of warmth caress the back of her neck. she turns around and sees light spilling from a crack in the ceiling. _

_brienne walks towards it until she sees a hand sprawled atop the rubble - one that she doesn't recognize. she walks closer, uses every ounce of strength left in her to remove the rubble surrounding it, until the hand is no longer just a hand but part of a whole body, face turned to the floor._

_she turns the body over slowly and sees golden hair, smooth skin, hooded lashes, full lips..._

brienne wakes up and feels cersei's breath hit her skin. 

she had never felt this gentleness before, never from cersei. brienne watches her through half open eyes, taking in all that she can, following the line of her jaw, noticing how that her edges were no longer sharp. 

there’s a part of her that wonders what would happen if she took her hand and held her face, brushed the strands away from her cheek and kissed her good morning. her fingers flicker at the thought. brienne sighs instead, curling her hands into a fist, still afraid to touch her. afraid that cersei would wake up, see the eyes staring back at her and remind herself that she didn’t want her after all. 

so when cersei’s head rolls towards her she can’t help but flinch, can’t control the insistent knocking at the walls of her chest. brienne holds her breath as best as she can, but when cersei’s forehead finds itself beneath brienne’s chin the air is knocked out of her. 

"please don't wake," she thinks to herself. "please stay like this with me, even if just for a moment..."

brienne shuts her eyes, pretending to fall asleep, as if her rampant heart would allow her to. 

_she hears cersei whisper her name, or perhaps it's her imagination, brienne could never tell..._

everything is strange for a while. 

cersei's defenses vanished, along with the resentment in her eyes when she looks at brienne. she is no longer cold and vicious, the way she was only days ago. brienne doesn't know how to act around her. cersei's sharp tongue is replaced with a hesitant voice, as if she'd handpicked each word before offering them to her. it drives brienne crazy, not having to armor herself each time she walks into the same room as her. her mind is always turbulent, tossing back and forth between the need to be careful and the urge to set these feelings aside and have cersei in her arms again. 

sometimes, when she sees cersei shrink slightly as they pass each other in the hall, she wonders if it would be easier if cersei still hated her. maybe then, she could look her in the eyes without wanting to dissect her gaze, without wanting to get inside her head, to find out how cersei feels, if she feels anything for her at all. 

at night, brienne leaves her chambers and makes a quiet escape to the courtyard. some nights she has oathkeeper in hand and spars with the wind, dedicating all her energy to the sway of her arms, the push and pull of the muscles in her body. other nights she sits alone, looking in the gaps between each stars, seeking answers to the unknown questions trapped in her chest.

each time she returns to her chambers she finds cersei in her bed, back faced to her as she tiptoes into the room. brienne eases herself into the bed beside her, slowly, gods forbid that cersei wakes up and vanishes before her. she lays her head dangerously close to cersei's hair, sighing softly, looking at her as much as the moonlight allows her to. 

the strangest part is that, in these moments, all of brienne's pain subsides. laying next to cersei, listening to the faint hum of her breathing, brienne feels at peace. 

one night, while sparring in the courtyard, cersei appears before her without warning. 

"is this where you go every night?" cersei asks. brienne nods back at her. 

"i see," she chuckles softly. "sometimes i worry you've abandoned me." 

"i'd do no such thing," brienne replies, blinking rapidly at the ground. her face flushes at the sound of shifting gravel, realizing cersei had dared to move closer. 

"not after all i've done? after i took jaime away from you? after i resented you for his death, after i hurt you for so many months?" cersei's speech is strained, a hint of regret evident in her voice, and brienne doesn't know how to respond. her breath hitches, and beneath it every answer she could think of fights to break past the surface. 

brienne says nothing. cersei steps closer. 

"you saved my life. you kept me safe. and in return i tried to break you." 

"it doesn't matter what you've done before," brienne finally manages to say. "that's all behind us now." 

"you're so _good,_" cersei sighs. "all i ever wanted was to be powerful and yet i'm no match for the strength of your heart, i never will be. it's no wonder he loved you so much."

"did you ever hate me? do you still?" the words tumble out of brienne's mouth. 

"i could never hate you, brienne. perhaps i did some time ago, but i definitely couldn't now." brienne's eyes fall onto cersei's and they're trapped there. 

"do you love me?" cersei asks out of the blue, and the words hit brienne so hard that the rhythm of her pulse comes undone. 

"i do." brienne whispers, so softly that cersei barely catches the words in the air. 

"kiss me," cersei says, brushing a hand over her chest. brienne gives in immediately, slowly bending down to meet cersei's face, pausing in front of it one last time just to be certain that this wasn't an illusion, a dream, that cersei was really there, giving brienne the chance to kiss her, hold her, love her, after believing for so long that she could never love again. 

they kiss for what feels like the first time and, finally, everything feels right. they kiss each other, over and over, until the grief that once hung over both of them falls out of their bodies and dissipates. brienne feels a tear roll from cersei's face and kisses it away, all the way back to the corner of her mouth where she feels cersei smiling, and curses the moonlight for not illuminating her smile enough. 

"i love you," brienne says, more boldly this time, curling a hand through cersei's hair. 

"i love you, too," cersei whispers, setting brienne's soul free. 

happiness was finally in reach, for both of them, and they were ready to seize it together.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is inspired by "washing machine heart" by mitski, and the titles are lyrics from the song! what a banger
> 
> this was written really in the moment so i didn't really come up with a reason for why cersei survives or why she and brienne get to be together OOPS 
> 
> fingers crossed that i will be able to update this soonish!! the wave of assignments is about to wash over and leave me so hopefully......
> 
> lastly, "the rat is dead. CALL HIM A RAT DO IT"


End file.
